Bad jokes…really really bad jokes…

A few days back we noticed a big chessboard like thing in the building next to where we work. For reasons unknown a big chessboard design was created in an open area there and was reminiscent of the “Wizard Chess” sequence in the Harry Potter movie. And if we can have "Wizard" chess, we can also have the following...

What chess does Godzilla play?
“Lizard” Chess!!

What chess do chicken and turkey shop owners play?
“Gizzard” Chess!!

What chess do Eskimos play?
“Blizzard” Chess!!

What chess do desert dwellers play?
“Buzzard” Chess!!

What chess do the Ebola virus researches play?
“Biohazard” Chess!!

What chess to people who believe in chance play?
“Haphazard” Chess!!

If you don’t get the joke – it might be that you need to improve on your sense of humour. If you do get the joke – all I can do is sympathize.

Work - or something like it...

Us IT people (I'm a gulti - I *have* to be in the IT industry...it is a lemming like urge to follow all the other gultis who have been the trailblazers in the IT industry) always try to keep up with the latest in technology through our "network" (i.e. other IT people in other companies)...

We discuss about the latest developments in technology and help each other by giving advice - that's the intent anyways...what actually happens is this:

(names and email ids changed to protect the jobless at work)

From: Ass [mailto:Ass@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:05 PM
To: Ash; Vu@***.com
Subject: Need Inputs

Dudes,

I am going to attend training on leadership and here are the prerequisites

PLEASE NOTE: As a pre-program activity, each leader is expected to bring along an object which represents you and your leadership style. Think about it, and select something that truly represents your journey as a leader to the style you use now. For example, an object I might choose to bring would be a kaleidoscope because my leadership style emerges from creativity and inclusiveness. When you look inside a kaleidoscope you see many different dimensions and that is my style of leadership.
You will each have the opportunity to tell your story of how the object you bring relates to your leadership style.

No idea what I should get. Any ideas? (check the bullshit on the kaleidoscope!!)

A


From: Ash [mailto:Ash@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:18 PM
To: Ass; Vu@***.com
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

How about an old underwear - “I choose to bring this old underwear because my leadership style emerges from covering my ass and being comfortable and relaxed”

You first need to tell us what kind of leadership style you have...

.a.

p.s.: alternate object: binoculars (“my leadership style emerges from foresight and voyeurism”)...


From: Vu@***.com [mailto:Vu@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:27 PM
To: Ash; Ass@***.com
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

Bwahahahahaa... both suit.
Actually, binoculars, telescope etc are good idea.
How about a tube light - “It takes a while for me to get started, but once going I spread drive and ideas.”


From: Ass [mailto:Ass@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:24 PM
To: Ash; Vu@***.com
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

I don’t have binoculars...

On a more serious note, my leadership style is providing a long term vision along with short term goals and empowering people with the know-how to do their work effectively. (Basically enabling people/team to do their work in a more focused manner so that they are not running around asking what needs to be done)

Ideas anyone?

A

From: Ash [mailto:Ash@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:32 PM
To: Ass; Vu;
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

I’d recommend the binoculars – look through them the wrong way and you have long term vision (things appear far away when looked through the binoculars the wrong way) and look through the right way and you zoom in to one particular thing (aspect) and focus on it...or some such happy b.s.

What are you thinking of? Prism? Deck of cards with the jokers removed? Let us know what you’ve thought of so far and we’ll bounce ideas off each other and make this more interactive...heh...

.a.

From: Vu@***.com [mailto:Vu@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:40 PM
To: Ash; Ass@***.com
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

Yeah...absolutely. I think then the telescope would make perfect sense – you turn a nelson’s eye towards things and that helps the team win the war. ;)

But the underwear suits all managerial roles best. plus you can use it once in a while wipe the tubelight...

How bout a whip? Or a boot?

From: Ass [mailto:Ass@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:35 PM
To: Ash; Vu;
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

I'm going to take a picture of a Thin Bull ~ implies “less bull shit”


From: Vu@***.com [mailto:Vu@***.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 12:40 PM
To: Ass@***.com; Ash
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

Sheeesh! Thin bull implies no food but still bull shit.


From: Ass [mailto:Ass@***.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 29, 2007 2:59 PM
To: Vu@***.com Ash
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

Guys,

I am in a state of panic. Please help me with some “real” objects that depict empowerment, enabling etc..

A

From: Vu@***.com [mailto:Vu@***.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 29, 2007 4:02 PM
To: Ash@***.com; Ass
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

Talking of gas...how about a cylinder?

Actually the underwear is not a bad idea. You will certainly provide a welcome relief to the audience and for all you know you might end getting that big long sabbatical you always wanted.


From: Ash [mailto:Ash@***.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 29, 2007 4:34 PM
To: Vu@***.com Ass
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

Take a sheepdog to the presentation...sheepdogs are intelligent and are used to guard or herd sheep...in the same way you guard and herd your flock to success...

From: Ass [mailto:Ass@***.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 29, 2007 4:40 PM
To: Ash; Vu@***.com
Subject: RE: Need Inputs

* expletives directed at other participants deleted *

For the time being I have decided on taking
A Small F-16 Model (to imply “Leading From the Front”)
Some shit to describe empowerment and (ideas???)
Some more shit to describe participation and democracy (ideas???)

Mufli...

snooker story time...(a mufli in local hyderabadi snooker lingo is a fluke shot...when playing LTP - local lingo for loser-to-pay which means the loser pays for the table - one normally agrees beforehand on whether muflis are allowed or not)...

Over the weekend I had gone to play snooker in a snooker parlour (not my regular one but one which I had never visited) with my new cue...

so there I was in that snooker parlour(1) that I had never visited before...a dim place with pools of bright lights (the lights at the snooker tables)...the click-clack sounds of snooker balls being hit with the occasional expletive as a shot is missed...a light mist of cigarette smoke prevalent throughout the place (quite a few of these snooker parlours are smoking zones)...the muted background noise of some television channel...the oases of green baize(2) that marked the snooker tables amidst the general shabbiness of the place...ahhhh...felt like heaven...

I headed over to the "reception" (i.e. a desk behind which the owner of the parlour resides...he's the guy who tells you if a table is available and assigns someone to play with you if you are alone)

and the usual gang of regulars gave me "the eye"......

every snooker parlour has a usual gang of regulars...these are the best players in that particular parlour and they are the people who test out their skill against new people who wander in (a macho thing) and once the skill level is assessed they are the guys who initiate the "why don't we start betting for fun" ploy...

I asked the "receptionist" if a table was available and if I could get a partner to play with me...he directed me towards a table and then asked one of the gang of regulars clustered around the TV to play with me...I opened my cue case(3) and assembled my cue(4)...my opponent(referred to as MO henceforth) professionally opened a professional looking cue case and professionally assembled a professional looking cue...

"hmmmm" I thought "seems like a good player...maybe I'll learn something from him"

Being the newcomer I got the chance to break(5)...a decent enough break...and a decent safety(6) with the cue ball(7) nestled at the top cushion...or so I thought...MO spots a plant(8) which I didn't even realize existed...MO squints at the plant, assesses the angles, raises up the cue for the shot and *bam* -- red potted with black position ...and black potted with red position again...and red potted with black position again.....and so on till the score is MO-48 and Me-0...and finally I get a chance to come to the table...the balls are quite evenly spread out and there is a ball on (9)...my turn now...*bam* red and black...and red and black again...and red and black position and I start to get excited (which is what normally happens whenever I seem to start a run of potting in snooker) and muff up the black shot (which is what happens when I get excited)..."tut tut" says MO and proceeds to punish me for my silly mistake...and pretty soon it is time for me to concede the frame....onto the second frame...MO breaks and we feint for some time with some safety play (10)...I spot a long difficult pot and concentrate and*bam* long difficult pot and black position..."good shot" says MO and I get excited and muff up the black..."steady !!!" warns MO and comes up to the table...red and black...red and black...and so on till the score is 80-1....I concede the frame...

"This has gone long enough and its now time to end this farce" I think to myself...

so I walk up to MO........

and ask him if there is someone else with whom I can play (what did you think...???...that I started defeating MO like in a filmi story???)....

MO grins and says "sure" and then says "I'm John Bosco -- the state #1 player"...

"I'm Ashwin -- state #1094 player" I say (MO nods solemnly - I don't think he got the joke)

Glossary : ----------
(1) snooker parlour : places where one pays and plays snooker...typically it costs around 80 bucks for an hour of snooker on the "English" table(the normal regular size 12' by 6' table) and 60 bucks for an hour of snooker onthe "French" table(the smaller table...10' by 5')...approximate measurements...
(2) green baize : the green felt cloth that is the surface of a snooker table...a big turn for me (errr...I meant to say that I feel happy wheneverI see the surface of a snooker table...especially if they are showing international snooker on TV...the green cloth...the long table...the shining balls...errr..I think I'll stop now...)
(3) cue case : the case in which the cue (see (4) ) is carried...
(4) cue : to a snooker player -- the equivalent of a gladiator's sword (and continuing with the silly analogy the chalk is the equivalent of a whetstone)
(5) break : the first shot in the match...traditionally it is a shot played with right english where the cue ball (see (7) ) hits the third red in the right side of the back and then bounces off three cushions and comes to rest near the top cushion (see (8) )
(6) safety : a situation where there is no easy ball to pot...
(7) cue ball : the white ball...sort of like the striker in carroms...
(8) plant : two (or more) red balls which are together and when struck at the correct angle with the correct spin and at the correct spot results in a pot...locally known as a cannon...
(9) ball on : a ball which can be potted relatively easily...
(10) safety play : tactical play wherein the objective is not to leave a ball on for the opponent...i.e. make potting as difficult as possible while trying to eliminate the alternatives for the opponent to do the same...

Mayfair...

When I was in "Sachchyam" I worked for around 2.5 years in this building called "Mayfair"...this was the corporate HQ for my company and was a dingy stuffy dark paan-spit stained building beside which ran a stinking canal...I might crib about it but I actually loved working there...it was so seedy it had its own charm...what follows is a Mayfair story...

The rats are out in Mayfair....and now for some elaboration of that statement (what to do -- life here is so sucky that all I have to elaborate about is stuff like this)

here in Mayfair we have rats....they mostly run around in the ventilation ducts in the nights(probably playing their version of "chain" or "current-shock")...tonight however I happened to look up and there was a rat sitting on the cubicle wall looking at me with what I must say was puzzlement (probably thinking to itself - "Who is this two legs still in office at this time?"....its bad enough that most people think I'm weird for working during nights but now the rodents are getting all judgmental too)....

I stared back at it and gave my best cat purr imitation (not the "meow" that most people do but a purring sound that emanates when one traps air in the cheeks and forces it out through the teeth...its one of my talents....after intense practice I could purr out dirty words in Telugu using the same mechanism...I'll save demonstrations for people who appreciate that sort of thing) and it twitched its whiskers (in admiration I assume) and then bounded away....and I swear this rat must be the spiderman of the rat world (spider-rat of the rat world would be more accurate I think)...it bounced off the cubicle wall onto the desk and off the desk onto another desk and off the other desk onto the other cubicle wall in high speed (probably off to tell all its rat-buddies about "the two legs who speaks like a cat"...which makes me wonder -- when one rat tells another rat something about some other rat do they call it ratting on the other rat...????....I think I missed my calling as a zoologist)...

Rambo to the rescue...

Way back when I was in Hyderabad working for "Sachchyam" I'd get into all sorts of situations...this is one of them...

"For want of a horse a kingdom was lost" - I assume this quote exists...and this story vindicates a similar quote - "For want of an irani chai..." - Aha!!!! why reveal what happened so soon...let me tell my story at my own pace and those who persist till the end can find out(what all I have to come up with to ensure a captive audience!!!)

It all happened when I decided to have an early morning cup of tea...after yet another night out in office I started back home on a dark winter morning- the roads were silent and empty...there was a slight chill in the air and a light mist enveloped me(or maybe I exaggerate - I think it was smog since a mist wouldnt smell of CO)...as I neared home I spotted a cafe and the prospect of warming myself with a cup of irani chai seemed very tempting...as an added bonus there were two big alsatians near the pan dabba(every cafe in the city has a pan dabba attached - its like an ordinance or something I guess)

So I went over to the pan dabba and let the dogs acquaint themselves with me...having sniffed me they must have come to the conclusion that I was harmless as they allowed me to scratch their ears and generally fuss over them...I asked the pan dabba owner(hereafter referred to as RatFace)whose dogs these were...he pointed to a hefty guy(hereafter referred to as Hefty)standing beside the dabba...I complimented Hefty on his friendly dogs and got a grunt in response - the sort of grunt that conveyed the message that he would have been infinitely happier if the dogs started feasting on me instead of licking me...

At this juncture RatFace interjected "haan - iske do kuttein hain aur yeh khud sabse bada kutta hai" (1)...being involved in ruffling my newfound canine friends' fur I gave a distracted smile to indicate that I had heard what he had said - and in doing so made a big mistake...

Hefty glared at me and growled "Kaiko hans raha hai be !!" (2)

"Uh-oh" I thought - I was distracted and failed to see that Hefty was on the prod...and good old RatFace had initiated proceedings which would keep him entertained...I guess I must be losing my touch in old age - when I was a kid I could spot such guys from a distance - which enabled me to take a route that took me out of danger...such skills were vital for survival at that time...and here I was on a serene winter morning stuck in an unpleasant situation that could go to the dogs (no pun intended) in a moments notice...

Hefty straightened up and repeated "Kaiko hans raha hai be !!"... (3)

I hoped that my talking-myself-out-of-trouble skills were not too rusty and said "mein yeh kutton ko dekh ke hans raha tha" (4) - and cursed myself as soon as I said that since I could visualise what RatFace would say next - and sure enough he snickers and goes "tereko dekh ke hans raha hai kathe" (5)...by this time I had my poker face on and gave no reaction to that insinuation...I knew that telling RatFace he was making unsubstantiated allegations would not elicit any sympathy...

Hefty sized me up and must have decided that I was fair game since he started stalking towards me...I was going through my extensive database of similar situations I had been in and deciding on what my next move should be when I saw Rambo coming towards us on his motorbike...

I'll have to go into some flashback here - I live near two localities named TRT(Two Room Tenants) and SRT(Single Room Tenants) - these localities were famous for producing two kinds of products - cricket players and goondas(some talented fellows could play both roles with ease)...so while I was growing up I came into contact with lots of these guys(and I also came into contact with some of their fists and feet but that is another story)

Some of these guys were my "friends"(the term is used very loosely) - and Rambo was in this category...(of course that wasnt his real name - said real name was a boring and uninspiring Ramulu - not the kind of name that would strike fear into people's hearts - I guess thats why he changed his name...also the movie 'Rambo' was a big hit at that time). As kids we used to laugh among ourselves about this monicker - and of course we never laughed when we were around him. One does not laugh at someone who carries switchblades and knuckle dusters on his person - unless one carries the same implements - and one is willing to use them - and most importantly one knows how to use them.

So there I was in this sticky situation and like a knight in shining armour in rode Rambo on his yezdi and parked himself beside the pan dabba. Ratface and Hefty looked around to see who had arrived and greeted Rambo with a brace of "namaste bhai" (6)(which prompted me to deduce that Rambo must have moved up in the hierarchy since I last met him).

Rambo acknowledged them with a curt nod and espying me he grinned and said "kyon hero - bahut dino baad dikh raha hai - chal chai peetein hain" (7).

There are moments in life when one wishes that one has a camera and this was one such moment - the look on RatFace and Hefty's faces was hilarious - I almost laughed out loud but decided that it would be a bad tactical mistake...

so thats how it all ended...I haven't been to that cafe again(as yet) but I've seen Hefty around and he always gives me an introspective look...as if deciding whether I am worth the trouble of antagonizing Rambo...I just ignore him but note his reactions from the corner of my eye(another skill picked up in childhood) and go my own way....after all the past is the past and if not Rambo then I can depend on Shakeel...or Chinna...or Franklin...

Glossary (translations):
(1): Yep - this guy has two dogs but he's the biggest dog
(2): What you laughing at punk!!
(3): Same as above (i.e. What you laughing at punk!!) - said in slightly more threatening tones
(4): I was looking at these dogs and laughing
(5): He says he was laughing at you
(6): Greetings Godfather!
(7): Long time no see dude...lets catch up over a tea

Lazy....

Anyone who knows me will testify that I'm lazy (I disagree of course and claim that my Hyderabadi heritage has given me the chill-out-and-take-it-easy outlook...or as we'd say "itta jaldi kaiko kaaman karrein? kal karsakte na yaaron?")

Anyways - the entries below (and above) are old (circa early 2003)... I believe in recycling...

Thought for the day: "Procrastinate Now!"

Ringu...

okay - so I went off and saw The Ring all by myself....what to do - no one was willing to come to that movie with me (after some deductive reasoning I have come to the conclusion that it is either the movie or me that made people drop off...but since I am using deo on a regular basis I don't think it was me.........)

This movie was based on a Japanese movie called 'Ringu' - which was a very big hit in Japan(I think the name sounds more like a Telugu movie...like one of these typical gulti accents - "give your fone number so I can give you a ringu no")

The movie was - AWESOME....!!!!!! - any horror movie fan who hasn't seen this movie has missed a treat(and FYI - us horror fans love getting the shit scared out of us...that is a treat for us...)

The story revolves around a videotape that has a curse attached to it - anyone who sees the tape dies after 7 days...(and the contents of the tape are excellently wierd and loopy...one of the highlights of the movie)....though I should point out that there are lots of tapes floating around that kill people while they are watching it(a good example of course is "Hum Aapke Hain Kaun"...hyuk hyuk hyuk)

I would strongly recommend anyone with a boyfriend/girlfriend to go watch the movie - there are enough moments in the movie that would make you seek out the protection offered in the arms of your partner(unfortunately I was sitting next to a brawny sardarji and I needed protection from his arms that kept poking into me)....

The only problem is that it is running in Skyline(there is a morning show at Sangeet I think...12PM or something) - and the crowd in Skyline isn't the kind that would get invites for the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra performances...(come to think of it - the crowd in Sangeet is not a shining example of decorum and refinement either)....and sadly each horror movie comes with a particularly odious type of creature who is also known as the I-am-talking-and-passing-comments-to-show-that-I-am-unaffected-by-the-movie-when-in-reality-I-am-soiling-my-trousers-from-terror breed....it is always the same story....just as the tension builds up you have these wise asses screaming and yodelling all over the place...they should be punished by being muffled and being made to watch the movie all alone....there is also the standard he-who-thinks-he-is-a-great-comic type - the moment a telephone rings in the movie we hear this useless burden on the oxygen supplies of the planet go "Heeellllooooo???" and then laugh as if he's made the most original joke ever....for these wretches I would suggest that a telephone be shoved up a place where they can feel it when it rings....slightly less irritating than these species is the one that has already seen the movie(or has the heard the story from someone who has seen the movie - or has read the review in DC)and who sits and gives an explanation of what is happening for the edification of the morons who have accompanied him/her....for these maggots I would suggest that the script/screenplay(preferably hardbound) of the movie be shoved up a placewhere they can easily reach for it....

*Ashwin gets off his soap box with a sheepish grin....*

whoooops...got a bit carried away out there...heh heh.....

anyways - it was a fun movie...watch it on tape/VCD/DVD with a gang of friends if you get the chance....trust me - you won't be disappointed....

Hulk's underwear...

I went and saw "Hulk" today...I hate it when they make their own twists to the comic book characters...the original Hulk was a result of a scientist being exposed to gamma radiation during a nuclear explosion (or some explosion) as a result of which he (the scientist who was exposed to the gamma radiation) could transform into a huge "hulk"ing green skinned monster with amazing strength and regenerative capabilities...simple stuff which resulted in some pretty good comic books (when the scientist - Bruce Banner is his name - becomes the Hulk all he does is go around grunting "Hulk smash", "Hulk kill" etc and matching actions to his words)...
and for the movie we have some convoluted story line about a father conducting some genetic DNA experiments (on himself I think) and resulting in an offspring with mutated genes who becomes the Hulk when he gets angry and lots more similar nonsense...with long sequences of father-son confrontations etc etc...made me wish for the good old "Hulk angry Hulk smash" dialogues....

anyways - I always had one big question w.r.to Hulk : What material is his underwear made of????????

this might seem like one of my normal dumb questions but it isn't (at least to me it isn't)...

see - in the comic book (and in the movie) whenever Banner becomes the Hulk all his clothes tear apart (because he goes from something like 5'10" 150 pounds to 10'5" 500 pounds...approximate numbers of course)...all his clothes tear except for -- his underwear...now what material is this underwear made of???it never tears and it stretches as much as good ole Hulk does...is it like Superman's cape (Superman's cape is indestructible btw...you didn't know that????!!!???)...and why doesn't he wear clothes made of the same material as the underwear...this way the clothes will also stretch and he'll be fully clothed as the hulk...in fact this way people won't call him the green-skinned monster since they can't see that he is green all over...

such questions keep me awake at night (along with questions like "Why am I thinking about why Hulk's underwear does not tear??")